My Testimony

My Testimony:  I became a Christian when I was 14 years old.  I remember the moment well and how it took a lot of courage to tell others about what I had done.  God simply filled my heart.  I could not explain it, but I knew He was real and He was with me.  

From that point and for much of my Christian life, though, I had had an awkward view of God and of prayer.  At times my thoughts were like: God is the God of the universe, He is going to do whatever He wants, I am only a pawn in His plan, and I will just sit back and go with it.  The tone behind those thoughts was one of hurt and self-pity.  You see, I was angry with God for events in my childhood and the hurts that came from them.  They never seemed to go away.

Even though I had heard time after time that the Bible and prayer was essential for me, daily, as a believer, I never took it seriously.  I thought teachings on Sundays were enough for the coming weeks and they would carry me spiritually.  I really did.  But every Sunday evening, I could never remember what the topics from the day’s lessons were.  But, life kept going and I kept going too. 

As the years passed by, I leaned on everything but God and nothing ever worked.  I became cold toward Him and had long since forgotten the miraculous day He had saved me as a 14 year old.  I had forgotten the peace He had given me in the midst of my childhood traumas and the excitement of sharing Christ with my family and others. 

I truly recognized the hardened condition of my heart, but felt powerless to fix it.  I clearly remember saying to God that I needed Him, but the words felt empty.  It was then that God started allowing suffering into my life again.  I began feeling sorry for myself in it.  I began thinking, “My childhood events were tough enough for a lifetime, why would You, God, allow me to suffer more?”  Surely, this could not be right and God did not realize what He was doing.  But it was right and He did know what He was doing!  He had great purpose in the events of my childhood and He had great purpose in what He was doing now.  He was answering my prayer.

I wish I could say that praise and thanksgiving were on my lips through the suffering, but they were not.  I wish I could say that I immediately got with God’s plan, but that would be a lie.  Instead, I sought, in my own power… perfection.  I thought that if I could just do things perfectly, and please everyone around me, I would not have to hurt.  Though I tried repeatedly to accomplish perfection, it never worked.  It was an impossible goal.

 

Another thing I tried was believing that if I read my Bible every day, like in a daily quiet time with Jesus, that I would breeze through struggles without being hurt.  My heart’s selfish desire was a holy checklist and this was what was on it…

1.) Pray

2.) Read Bible

3.) Have a perfect day! 

It’s almost like I thought it was a genie lamp… just touch it and poof… no hurt, no worry.  Please hear me on this… reading the Bible is something every Christian should do regularly out of obedience and love for God and others, but it is NOT so you won’t ever face hurt again.  When I finally understood this, though, there was still more for God to do.  He continued to faithfully answer my prayer.

Struggle after struggle… failure after failure… hurt after hurt, God continued to tear down all that I held onto until there was nothing left but Him.  I remember vividly one day, sobbing on the floor of my living room, and crying out to God… saying “What do you want?”  I prayed in fumbled words, “I give up.  I want what you want God.  My way is so screwed up.  Do whatever you have to do, just don’t leave me here like this.”

That day, my heart began changing from the foundation up and it all came from a fumbled prayer of desperation.  You see, God heard my prayers all through those years, no matter how silly or selfish they were, and He began answering them the day I uttered them.  He brought suffering so I could recognize my need for Him... to free me from lies that had tangled me up... to show me who He truly was.  Thank you God!